Friday, May 15, 2009

“what I’ll miss”

I’m leaving NYC tomorrow after a good run in the Big Apple and right after i just started to figure the place out. But I’ll be in sunny Los Angeles where dreams happen. Like being stuck in traffic for four hours, am I right!?

See? Already got traffic jokes.

Anyway, I decided to write about a few things I’m going to miss when I leave.

B.T. Dubs, this is obviously going to be a sarcastic post, because if I really wrote what I was going to miss I’d turn into a teary mess and it would mostly be a list of guys I have crushes on and never told them. Like Evan, my barista at Red Horse. Beautiful man. But anyway, I digress. Here we go!!!

“What I’ll Miss”

1. the stinky drunk homeless man who lives in the stairwell of my subway stop

Sure, we’ve fought. Sure, he’s called me “bitch” more times than I’ve ever been called by anyone. But when he’s not passed out, covered in his own urine, and actually sober enough to remember I smile- and not shun him- as I pass, we have some moments, him and I. some real NYC moments.

2. sidewalks just covered in dog shit

What? You say. Sidewalks covered in dog shit!? But that sounds gross, Jos. Yeah, well is it gross or something that’s improved my agility, sight, and hearing? If I never lived in NY, I couldn’t have a conversation while also texting on my blackberry and listening to my ipod while being able to dodge PILES of dog shit that countless idiots leave on the sidewalks instead of stepping smack dab in the middle of them and ruining my shoes and my life-not to mention- my life. So thanks, NY, for your dog shit. I know I didn’t explain why that would affect my hearing, but that sentence before last was getting L-O-N-G, if you know what I mean.

3. cabs that are angry everytime you get in them in manhattan and tell them you’re going to Brooklyn

This is one of the best parts of NYC. Because when it’s 3am, and you’ve been out doing comedy and drinking copious amounts of alcohol that you can’t afford- you stumble down to the train and see that it’s running on a completely different line and you can’t even get ON it at that station- the most fun thing to do is to resign to taking a cab and putting yourself $30 in the hole, so some dick can take you for a joyride because he “doesn’t know his way around Brooklyn” and on top of it, have an attitude about it. I’ve gotten in more shouting matches with cabbies than with my ex boyfriend that had a coke problem. (You can use that phrase, it’s a good one.) Don’t feel bad, I have won all of them.

4. the summers and winters

first of all, please read this blog about my feelings about summers in NYC. Winters are no better. This place is a weather disaster, and the worst part is that you have to walk in it no matter what. No car to protect you from the outside elements, just your skin and clothes that can never really look good in because you’re sweating in them. Subways turn into shit scented saunas and the humidity gets so bad it makes you feel like you’re drinking the urine that covers every single inch of this place. And it rains like hell here. No thanks.

Okay, I’m stopping. I’m getting hateful and weird, and even though that’s what I set out to do, I’m tired and have to fly across the country tomorrow.

Goodbye New York, you’re the biggest apple of them all. Of all the apples that are in my heart. Or something.