Friday, August 22, 2008

ding dong!

A while ago, I saw something on television.

I guess on the heels of “To Catch a Predator,” NBC decided to air a show where they tested kids that were home alone to see if they’d open the door for strangers. The parents sat in a van watching their kids on camera monitors down the street while saying things like, “Oh they’ll never, ever open the door.” “Nope, not my kids.”
So NBC first sent the reporter as a electric company worker and a cable guy, then something else and none of it was working. That was the point when they decided to get real creative and they sent a puppy delivery man to the door. A man delivering a puppy.

A
puppy
delivery
man.

Not only does that job not exist; it’s just unfair conduct by NBC.

Everyone loves a puppy, and everyone loves a special delivery.
“A package for ME” I see a delivery truck outside my window and bound down the stairs as fast as possible- usually taking a hard fall near the second to last step- and whip open the door. I quickly sign, grab the box from the person’s hands, and begin to shred the packaging like a ravenous weirdo to reveal the item I one hundred percent ordered myself (therefore, knowing exactly what’s inside) only to show it off to the deliveryman like a nine year old unwrapping presents on Christmas would.

“HP Printer cartridges! Yeay!!! I got FOUR!”

And puppies? Are you kidding me? Ultimate distraction. If you’ve seen me around any animal, let alone a dog, I am certifiably insane. Crazytown. And it’s out of my control. My voice changes, my demeanor changes, and I hate myself for the annoying fool I become when I see a dog. It’s pathetic. I could be trapped in a house fire but holding a puppy and therefore remain perfectly calm and happy while I slowly burn to death. Puppies are the ultimate.

So if the grim reaper himself was on my doorstep with his red, glowing eyes, giant black robe, and scythe in one hand- if he had a puppy in the other, I’m going to open the door. “Oh my god! A puppy? For ME!? PUPPY!!!”

And I’m 27.

Let’s be honest. The parents watching from the van shouldn’t be disappointed in their kids for opening the door, they should be disappointed that NBC is giving child predators really good ideas for tricking their kids.

Hey Predators! NBC here, you remember us? Candy and a van just not cutting it anymore for your predating needs? …try puppy delivery! Gets em everytime, see? We’ll show you the clips.

Thanks, NBC. Their next expose is probably going to be on how to detect if the child you’re talking to online is actually a child or a cop. Good investigation. You’re a bunch of a-holes.

Click on the link to see these idiots in action. It’s the first video on the page; the others are also pretty stupid. This reporter is a moron:

Puppy Delivery Idiot.

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